As I was laying awake in bed after a 4am feeding, I got to thinking about some of the things I've learned over the last few days and weeks and years - some practical, some philosophical. Here's what I came up with:
1. Bring an extra set of clothes for everyone.
This lesson hit me full force on a Sunday at church as few weeks ago as Rory's spit up soaked its way through my two layers of shirts. I never had this problem with Taylor. I mean, it makes sense to have a back-up outfit for a child age 0 to potty-trained, but now I realized that my preparedness must extend much further than that. When you throw in an infant who spits up, make that 2 back-up outfits for the baby and 1 for you. Plus, even though Taylor is potty-trained, there is no telling when she might spill food/drinks on herself or go through a bout of diarrhea or not pull her pants down quite far enough when she sits on the toilet. There's no harm in keeping an extra pile of clothes in the car for outings and you will certainly be happy to find them if you're ever in need.
Thankfully, they were dark shirts.
2. Things are always changing.
You hear this a lot when you become a parent, but somehow you need to learn it over and over again. Just when you think you figured something out or you have a nice schedule or you know what to expect of your child, it changes. For better or for worse.
It was a long, gradual process getting Taylor to sleep in her own bed and in her own room and without me right next to her. But we did it and she was doing so well. Then Rory was born and everything was upside down and Daddy was putting her to bed at night instead of me and nothing was the same. And so then most nights she would find her way back into our bed because she didn't want to be left out and alone. We didn't mind too much. You could see her distress and once we were all settled again, we all slept well.
I was getting used to the idea that we might have a big family bed now, but, without a whole lot of prompting, Taylor is back in her room and in her bed all night. And she prefers it that way. She has even flat out refused to sleep in our room when we gave her the option. She still needs help falling asleep, and assistance going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but it seems that she has settled down after Rory's birth (maybe we all have!) and isn't as uneasy about separation anymore.
3. My child is not a bad child.
It's hard to believe this after you've come off a day of constantly correcting and threatening the loss of privileges and enforcing time-outs, but it's true. In a lot of ways, this falls under #2: Things are always changing. One day your child could be so petulant and disobedient you feel like you've ruined everything and there's no hope of fixing them, and then the next day they might be the sweetest, most considerate little person you've ever met.
Important stuff I must keep in mind:
- Children like exploring things and may not mean to make a mess, vandalize, or break - they just didn't know better...and should have been supervised more closely.
- If sleep or food is lacking, good behavior soon follows suit.
- Children will test boundaries to see if they really exist. Consistent enforcement of rules is necessary.
- Children follow examples very well, good or bad. Don't model speech/behavior you seek to correct in them...or allow them to encounter that speech/behavior on TV. (In general, there is nothing your child should be watching on TV.)
- Don't create situations that tempt fate (ex. leaving a lollipop in a child-accessible location if you don't want the child to eat the lollipop OR setting a sleeping baby down near a toddler if you don't want the toddler to immediately bombard the baby with talking and hugs and kisses). And if you fail to do that, promptly remove the temptation so you don't repeat the incident over and over again.
I have way more control over my child's day to day behavior than I give myself credit for (or should I say "admit"?). If Taylor isn't being as good as I think she should be, well, she's still not at the "age of accountability" and I'm the one to blame.
4. I am not a victim.
It's very easy to fall into this way of thinking when you're a stay-at-home mom. Maybe you can't seem to have a second without the kids to take a shower and you feel like you're forced to wait until your husband comes home. Or after spending an entire day tending to the children (especially if you have more than one) you might think that you are some sort of martyr for dealing with them by yourself in the evenings as well if Daddy is busy. Of course, it doesn't make it easier that every parenting magazine or Mommy blog or book of good parenting advice tells you to "Take Time for Yourself." Some days your husband isn't available to assist you (like when he has an impending deadline to roll out this new software he's been programming) and you need to be a bigger person and push through and make things work. You'll be called upon to do all the child-entertaining and cooking and feeding and cleaning and getting the children ready for bed and then more cleaning. But the key to not feeling or acting like victim in these circumstances is to be joyful while doing it (
James 1:2-3).
You have to be incredibly resourceful and creative and patient. For example, shower time: when I found myself thinking, "Poor stinky Andrea can't take a shower because of the kids and will have to wait several hours until Mark comes home," I realized I have a waterproof sling and I can very well take both girls in the shower with me. When Mommy needs to get clean, we can all get clean! Admittedly, it's a bit complicated to get everyone dried off afterward (Taylor has to fend for herself here), but at least I don't stink anymore!
Truthfully though, I am lucky to have a husband who helps out a lot and times when he really isn't available are infrequent. I need to consider those rare occasions as opportunities to serve my family, to consider their needs as well as my own (
Phil 2:3-8). For Jesus says, "if anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all" (
Mark 9:35).
5. Supermom does exist.
I've seen her. She is my mom and my mother-in-law. My mom worked a 9-5 job and finished up her Bachelor's degree while cooking fresh meals for three young kids and keeping the house incredibly clean. My mother-in-law raised four children very close in age while fixing up houses and serving as the ultimate P.T.A. parent on four hours of sleep a night. They also both have amazing domestic skills like sewing clothes and curtains and making other crafty things. Even now, though the kids have all grown up, they continue to push the limits of what one would think is humanly possible to achieve and inspire.
That is what I aspire to. I am realizing as I stumble through these first few years as a parent that supermoms aren't created as soon as the first baby is born, but the skill and determination and resourcefulness is honed over time. Becoming a supermom means you deal with countless points of frustration, desperation, and "I have no idea what to do right now." It means you put a lot of thought and prayer into the direction your family is going and make a (rough) plan of how to get there. It's about researching and going with your gut. It's about taking control yet understanding that you can't control everything. For me, I know it's going to be all about leaning on God and seeking to do things with His strength because I know I'm not capable of doing it all on my own.
***
And so thinking back on all these lessons...I feel tired. Parenting is a lot of work and -- eeps, I'm out of time, so I should get back to it. I will return to regular baby-update programming next chance I get.
Then we took off for Florida at the beginning of October and spent a few days immersed in all-things-Disney. At Disney World, Taylor got to meet tons of Disney characters, including Minnie and Princess Aurora (her favorite). It was a totally new side of the theme park that we'd never experienced before - waiting hours in lines to get just a couple of snapshots with a character. Taylor loved it.
We also got to ride on Dumbo as a family of four (a tight squeeze!) and get a taste of the annual Food & Wine festival (yum!). Rory slept for a good portion of our outings there, but enjoyed touching all the fuzzy characters and riding the boat through It's a Small World.
Rory has been making big developmental leaps these last few weeks. She's giving us huge, toothy grins all the time now. She eats nearly every kind of food we put in front of her. And she learned a bit of Ariel-style singing from Taylor, so she breaks into song whenever she see or holds one of the Disney princess toys.
